The One Constant

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Alone

1:35 AM

Santi

Have you ever felt alone? Like really truly alone? I’m talking about the kind of isolation that every single ounce of your body feels. You see when my heart expands and contracts, it physically and emotionally hurts me. It tells me “stop” even when my mind is fighting against me. It knows I’m struggling but it doesn’t stop beating. When I try to talk to it, all of my words spew out as a poisonous gas, further choking me. I try to put on that happy facade but I can’t communicate it effectively which leads me to believe there’s something inherently wrong with ME as a person. I can scream and shout all within my mind but I can’t feel any reprieve because if I even so much as  whisper, I know I will be executed by the vile creature outside my box. It kills me, every single day to be stuck in this situation. No hope of being loved, no hope of being recognized, no hope of sustaining myself, only a void within my own mind. And what a void it is. I try to think of positive things but they always have some manner of turning into something dark to hurt me. I’ve come to terms that maybe some people are simply destined to be unhappy and miserable all by themselves without ever having learned of what passion truly means. This isn’t simply limited by passion between people. I mean the kind of passion that one feels when truly expressing themselves within their work. The kind of passion that says “I will write, or film or create whatever I want without a care in the world” even if it stirs opinions for being controversial. The kind of passion that allows the self to not have to worry about worldly desires because the passion alone is enough to keep them alive. The kind of passion that inspires someone to wake up every morning with a smile on their face to better themselves. For me, this does happen, but not as much as I want, no, NEED it to happen. I need to force passion into my life and I know better than anyone that nothing good can come out of something being forced. If I need something as much as this shouldn’t it come naturally? Is there not some sort of elixir or panacea to be found to cure my ailment? Well there is but I think it’s a hoax. The kind of elixir that the public wants you to believe is real. Well, I say they’re all wrong, that elixir doesn’t cure the root of the disease, only the symptoms. If the host is still corrupted then removing the strains of the virus won’t solve anything. Cough It’s getting harder and harder to breathe these days with all the chronic pain in my body. My foot which causes me agony every night, my spine which doesn’t curve the way most people do, and my scar which reminds me that even the most innocent of people can still very much hurt you. I hate it all. Why is it so much to have some consistency and stability in this world? Why can’t I be recognized? Why has the one constant in my life always been… pain?

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