Silence

There’s an old expression that says “silence is the loudest sound of all”. I’d have to agree with that sentiment. Have you ever had someone completely vanish without a trace? It’s the scariest feeling in the world. The thought of knowing you’ve done something wrong and they don’t have the gall to face you terrifies me. Does it say more about them or me? I’m willing to work things out but sometimes it just doesn’t seem to be that simple. Oh well I say. Maybe it wasn’t worth the effort anyway, right? Who am I kidding, being ghosted is the worst. Why is it phrased that way I wonder? Is it because of how transparent ghosts naturally are? We crave transparency yet we are terrified of it. We want to see someone at their most vulnerable, at their most genuine. We want to see through someone so they have nothing to hide, to know that we can trust them at any given moment with our emotional well-being. We want to see them for who they are. But like an actual ghost they can vanish at a moments notice. They have no reason to be in a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable or vulnerable. Can I blame them? I doubt many people relish in being vulnerable much less communicating those thoughts out to another person out loud. The thing that really drives me over the edge is the silence of it all. It can send someone to the brinks of madness and despair and make you question your self-integrity completely. The ego tends to assume that it is the cause for everything wrong and why not? It’s a reasonable assumption to believe that you did something wrong first rather than jumping the gun and blaming someone else. That’s what I’ve been taught to believe at least. These days I’m starting to question if I’ve really learned anything at all really? Are our establishments here to imbue knowledge onto the common man? Are they here to gatekeep knowledge from those who can’t afford it? It seems that way to me. I was fortunate enough to have the ability to not have to pay for knowledge, that said what if it’s all a ruse? What if they aren’t teaching us the right things? What if they’re just teaching us how to be obedient? I’m convinced that the complacency I despise is a product of the institutions that we’ve been forced into. We’ve been roped into the idea that knowledge is power with a system that actively shuns us for speaking our minds. We simply aren’t allowed to say what we really want to in this system that emphasizes red tape and actively harms our creative endeavors. We go our entire lives believing that if we get that piece of paper from this establishment that feeds on our time, effort and resources that we will be happy, whole and complete. Well you know what I think? It’s all a damn lie, always has been, always will be. Do I have any basis to back this up? You mean aside from the fact that I’ve been glued to this chair for what feels like an eternity? That should be all the evidence I need. I’m clearly qualified as dictated by the “establishment” but the world seems to be against me for whatever arbitrary reason that it wants us to believe. The world is alive and it is actively against me. “Santi! What are you babbling about this time? You doze off in class way to much man.” “Oh yeah, sorry about that. Depression just kicks in sometimes haha.” I put my head on my desk and fell asleep to the whispers and memories of my former classmates after finally typing my thoughts on the blank canvas in front of me.

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