Heart Break

A powerful wave of anxiety has crept up on my aching heart. It twists and consumes me and I can’t help but wonder why? Have I done something wrong to upset the cosmic gods? I must have angered some divine being. Or perhaps I was destined to have hateful and ignorant people in my life. I hate my… well you can fill in the rest. I thought there was someone I looked up to many moons ago but I can see now that I was more naive than them. I think the real issue is the toxic masculinity stigma that is so prevalent within them. I can’t sympathize with someone who claims they care but when push comes to shove they really don’t. We needed them but you could tell, you could just tell it was by mere obligation rather than a desire to help. How would you feel if you tried to open up to someone, going so far as to say you’re on the verge of hanging yourself, and then have them completely dismiss your feelings and thoughts? Don’t you dare tell me to not express my thoughts and feelings. Don’t you dare consider being condescending while I’m trying to talk to you about our situation. This same situation that “we” are living through not you. Don’t censor me. Don’t preach to me about compassion when you yourself clearly lack it. Don’t tell me I’m not a man because I don’t agree with your twisted world view. Don’t try to tell me I don’t matter because you lack any sense of self-worth. Don’t try to change me. You are not my parent and you never were. I can not sleep. My insomnia, stress and anxiety are starting to get the best of me and I simply can’t handle it. I need help. I’ve needed help for 25 years. Right now I am clutching my heart in pain as my left arm convulses. I am having a heart attack.

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